This is a blog/story/journal for some of my creative ideas. I will be beginning with some story ideas and then I may branch off into an actual story. I've started many stories and for whatever reason I never seem to finish them. Life gets in the way of things sometimes. One of the constant stress relievers in my life has ALWAYS been writing and I think the more I write, the more I de-stress and it baffles me as to why I don't write more. I guess I have nothing and everything to write about and I just want to be able to focus my thoughts into one amazing story. The only way I know how to write is to start typing and let it go from there and sometimes I'm amazed at how easy it is to write about something and truly become engrossed in an alternate reality. I think more than anything I want to write my dreams and hopefully someday make it a reality. I would love more than anything for one of my stories to finally complete itself (ha) and become published and I dream that someone will hire me and ask me to write stories for them and they will pay me big bucks and my family can finally escape from this pit of despair we have fallen into. I know that it can't appear out of thin air and I actually have to sit down and write and continue to write until I'm finally FINISHED.
I've had so many story ideas that formulate and then I start and I'm enthralled for awhile and I become extremely optimistic and then something happens and - BAM - it's forgotten. I leave behind really good stories that could actually become something that may end up on a book shelf someday. I read, a lot, and some of those books are not as good as the ones that I've started and haven't finished. It really urks me that this is something in me to do and complete and yet life always gets in the way.
Life has completely taken us for a whirlwind and now that we're reaching the bottom, I'm surprisingly optimistic that we can start going up from this. Yet, I realize the worst is yet to come and with every obstacle that occurs I remember we are still living, breathing people who are still capable of greatness. The problem is, once we're down, we get kicked again and the kicks keep on coming. We're on the ground trying to crawl towards something, anything that doesn't look so bleak and every time we start to rise to our feet we are kicked again, harder. We think that it's over and we're finally getting free of the invisible chains and something else happens to knock us back to reality.
I've always considered myself a fighter and an optimist and now I'm reaching a point where I'm forgetting that there is always a bright side to every story and I'm starting to forget the positives in life. The only real positives right now are my kids and I can't even devote myself to my kids right now because I'm so wrapped up in the drama with our family. I am starting to hide behind the necessaries of life that I'm forgetting to mix things up a bit and actually learn things from the day. I'm completely forgetting how short life really is. Every day that goes by I am happy just to complete it without breaking down. The sad fact is there is so little to smile about these days that I'm finding happiness for my kids and that "happiness" is a farce that they can see right through. Alex is old enough to recognize everything around him and he senses that something isn't right and the energy is causing a negative effect on him. Not only that, his perfect world was completely flipped around after the divorce and his anger has never wavered, only covered up and calmed by constant reinforcement from us. If Alex had his way he would hit a punching bag and never stop. He is so angry and confused that he can't see past it and every time he doesn't get his way he reverts back to that anger and everything, even the smallest incident is hightened ten fold. He always reverts back to "I want my mom and dad back together" and the other people in his life (Brian & Carrie) are just a road block in the way of his dream coming true. The only reason he tolerates Carrie is because she's as close to a mom as can be when he's at his dads. His anger towards Chris and I is projected mostly towards me because he's not AS afraid of me and I still comfort him. Not to mention great grandma is here who completely cauddles him and has a soft spot for him that never wavers. He's in his safe zone when he's here and even when he's having his melt downs, he's finally free to have it and he pushes it out here. I dread every Sunday that he comes back from his dads because I know there will usually be an incident that ends up becoming a drag out fight that leaves me and everyone else in the house emotionally exhausted.
I can't do this every day. . . The idea of staying here for another year and going through this day in and day out is pure torture and there has to be a defining moment that gets me out of it.
